


Forgiveness

by Gemsheal



Series: Upstairs Downstairs [1971] [1]
Category: Upstairs Downstairs (1971)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Infidelity, Marriage of Convenience, New Family, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:40:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25775260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gemsheal/pseuds/Gemsheal
Summary: The suicide of their oldest friend brings a second crisis to the fragile peace in the Newberrys' marriage.
Series: Upstairs Downstairs [1971] [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869874
Comments: 2





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> I think you might have to be familiar with Upstairs, Downstairs [the 1970's version] to really understand the characters I've written about here. Bunny and Diana were minor players in the series, only appearing in 3 episodes, but I always wanted to know what happened to their marriage after Series 5, Episode 6 "An Old Flame" when James and Diana had a brief affair. Here is the sequel to that episode, or at least, my version of it. 
> 
> Please comment!! This is my first posting here and I really want to know what readers think of my writing.

May 1923 ~ Autumn 1923

Early that afternoon, over drinks at the Savoy Grille, James had told Diana in so many words that they had no future together. He was so calm, so ... distant from her, as he outlined “the terms” (as he referred to their situation). Diana pleaded with him to reconsider. They’d played by the rules all their lives, but now, couldn’t they have a real life together? There was nothing in the world they couldn’t do - nowhere they couldn’t go.

But James seemed so unmoved by her pleadings. And at long last, Diana had to accept that the boy she had loved as a girl; that the man she continued to love, was gone. That James Bellamy, he said, was buried at Passchendaele, and not even the strength of her love could pull him from that grave.  


Oh, James would do the decent thing and marry her if she divorced, but only out of guilty duty, not from an abiding need to be with her. And it was that realization more than anything else which broke Diana’s heart.  


Diana had then gone to meet with Bunny at his request. In the taxi on the way to Newberry House, she felt she would lash out - scream, even hit him - anything to alleviate the monstrous sorrow and anger that consumed her. She blamed Bunny, whose decency in this crisis had persuaded James that his and Diana's love affair was somehow indecent. She blamed James, for using the war as an excuse not to be with her. She blamed herself, for being such a fool as to marry Bunny in the first place. Pushing past the butler who opened the door of Newberry House, Diana practically ran up the staircase in her haste to reach Bunny and unleash her anger.  


But when Diana threw open the drawing room door, Bunny's face lit with relief. He came over to her at once and gently took both her hands in his, without a word, and it was this gentleness that disarmed her anger, allowing the sorrow to break through. Bunny held her in his arms and let her sob it all out, the rage and pain and confusion. Then, when she was calmer, he gave her a glass of brandy and told her quietly that if she wanted a divorce, he would give her the evidence she needed to obtain one. But Bunny also told Diana that he didn't want a divorce, and if she liked, they could go away on a long cruise, all around the world, because "there's nothing I wouldn't give you, Diana, to make you happy. I know you haven't been happy in the past, darling. But I'm determined to make you happy, if you'll let me. If you'll give me a chance."

In despair, painfully acknowledging to herself that James didn’t want a life with her, Diana agreed to continue their marriage.

But surprisingly, after that wretched day, everything had changed for the better. Bunny never once, after the conversation at Newberry House, referred to the affair. Nor did he mention James Bellamy at all, despite their long friendship. Even the realization of her pregnancy, almost two months after that day, never dented his commitment to Diana; he'd been as pleased and excited as she was.  


Autumn 1923 ~ Autumn 1929

Their marriage well and truly turned a corner. The miracle of being pregnant after nearly eleven years of childless marriage, obliterated the dissatisfaction Diana felt with her marriage. The restlessness; the persistent irritation she felt toward Bunny left her; she was filled by a happiness she'd never known. Bunny ceased to be "dull, and wet", as she'd told James that long-ago night at the Danby's cottage, the only night they’d made love.

Quite suddenly, Bunny's attentions to Diana felt like devotion and tenderness, and life in the country was now appealing, not boring. Summerby Park became a magical place to plan a nursery and dream about the coming child.  


Perhaps it was strange how quickly Diana's heartache at losing James faded as soon as she realized that she was pregnant. Perhaps she should have been bitter about losing James; the love of her life. Perhaps she should have felt remorse and guilt for betraying Bunny ... but instead, all Diana felt was peace.  


For the first time in her life, Diana wasn’t trying to please anyone, to obtain love from someone, or feeling unhappy or bored or restless for reasons she couldn’t pinpoint. She could just ... be. Bunny surrounded her with affection and indulged her every wish. Throughout the winter of her pregnancy, Diana happily and energetically interviewed Nannies and nursery maids; went around the old nursery wing with Bunny at her side to choose wallpaper and fresh paint and smiled when she found Bunny's tin soldiers and other much-loved old toys in a cupboard. Soon, there would be a child to play with them.  


And in that superb moment, coming out of twilight sleep, when she heard the doctor say, "My congratulations, Lady Newberry. You have a fine, healthy son," Diana had never known such joy. From the moment Johnny was placed in her arms, her heart had never looked back. Never once had she regretted losing James, because of Johnny, who was all hers. He was more than enough to fill her heart.  


If anyone in their social circle thought it strange that Bunny and Diana Newberry's oldest friend, James Bellamy, didn't attend the lavish christening celebration held at Summerby Park in April 1924 for John Bertram Arthur George, Earl of Saxby and future Marquess of Newberry, it simply wasn't mentioned. Even Kitty Danby, who raised an arched brow at learning of James’ absence, said nothing. Strange, how the formerly somewhat foolish, laughable Marquess of Newberry was suddenly a person of consequence. There was something new, forbidding even, in his demeanor toward Kitty that stopped her from asking awkward questions that would feed gossip.  


As Johnny grew, so did Diana's happiness. He was such a handsome boy, clever and quick, and it was hard not to spoil him. And yet all the love and attention Johnny was given didn't spoil him - Johnny simply gave it back tenfold. As Diana and Bunny loved Johnny, the tenants at Summerby, and all the servants, loved him too. He was just "Master Johnny" to them, at Diana's request - "milord" or "Lord Saxby" seemed far too formal for the sunny little boy. Every afternoon like clockwork, Johnny would peep 'round the housekeeper’s, Mrs. Kenton's, door, to receive a warm hug and a peppermint; he would rush down to the servants' hall to help the footmen polish the silver; Mrs. Billings the cook would let Johnny help make the cinnamon toast for his tea, and he would hug the housemaids goodbye when he was finally called back upstairs by Nanny.  


Sometimes, just faintly did Diana feel a pang, at odd moments when Johnny would turn his head and smile, or when he laughed at something in such a way that she saw or heard an echo of James. But these were only tiny glimpses into the vanished past. Johnny resembled Diana, for the most part. He was long-limbed and dark-haired, but then so was Bunny.  


So Diana continued to adore her little son and was happy with country life at Summerby Park. She and Bunny still went to London for a few weeks during the Season, so Bunny could do his duty and sit in the House of Lords; they gave and attended dinners, and they still held shooting parties at Summerby in the autumn, but by unspoken agreement between the two of them, these gatherings had dwindled to perhaps two or three a year. Johnny's birth had broken Diana's desire to surround herself with the distraction of chattering "friends" such as Kitty and Cocky Danby, and Bunny, happier now with Diana than ever before, didn't require them either.  


One afternoon in late October, 1929 - All Hallow's Eve - Bunny came home to Summerby following a brief trip to London. He had gone up to inquire at an agency about a tutor for Johnny. Diana wasn't expecting to hear anything unusual. It was true there had been some rumblings in the economic news - the crisis in America, "Black Thursday" had caused the value of stocks to dive, but the Newberrys weren't heavily invested in the booming stock market - Bunny was cautious with his family inheritance, and no speculator. Diana was playing chase with Johnny in front of the massive old house, having just completed a ride through the surrounding woods with him – Johnny already loved horses, and at five years old his seat was getting better and better. She heard the sound of a car coming from the main road and said to Johnny, "Here comes Papa!"  


They both ran, Diana rather breathlessly, to the large gray Daimler, Johnny shouting "Hullo, Papa!" When the chauffer opened the passenger door, Diana could see at once that Bunny was pale and looked taut, but he bent to hug Johnny warmly and kissed Diana's cheek, putting his hand on her shoulder for a moment.  


"Everything all right?" Diana asked, trying to catch Bunny's eye. He smiled but avoided her searching look. "Did you have some difficulty in London?"  


"Papa! I rode to the woods with Mummy, and she said I'm very good! Can we ride again tomorrow, please Papa?"  


"Of course we will, Johnny. I can't wait to see you ride. But isn't it almost time now for your tea? Nanny will be waiting for you, won't she? Oh, I know - you go ask Nanny, rather, tell her, as a special treat, Mummy and Papa want you to take your tea with them! Go into the house and tell her, there's a good lad."  


"All right, Papa!" The little boy climbed nimbly up the worn old limestone steps, in the wake of the footman who'd come out to remove Bunny's luggage. He darted ahead of the servant and helped another to hold the big front door open.  


Diana, watching Johnny’s progress, smiled at his thoughtfulness. She turned and said to Bunny, "He would have gone into the house with no trouble, you know, you didn't have to bribe him. How was Lon--"  


"Diana,” Bunny interrupted, “Will you walk with me for a bit? There's something important I've got to tell you."  


"Certainly, if you like ..." They turned and headed around the graveled circular drive in step together. When they were a little distance from the house, Diana stopped and turned to Bunny.

"You'd better tell me what it is straight away. I can see it's bad news. What is it?" Still Bunny hesitated. Diana's heart began to pound. With a flash of her old impatience, she said, "Oh, come along Bunny, I can't stand this! You'd better just say it, please."  


"Diana," Bunny put his hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry, darling, it's just very difficult." He drew a breath. "I heard last night that James Bellamy ..."  


"James?" said Diana faintly - the first time she'd said his name, in five years.  
Bunny bit his lip. "My dear, there's no easy way for me to say this ... James is dead. He - It's not generally known yet, but I heard .. I heard that, on Sunday evening ... he killed himself.”  


Diana stared at Bunny. "Killed himself ..." she repeated tonelessly.  


"Oh, Diana, I'm so sorry, so very sorry ... " Bunny pulled Diana into his arms, holding her; her arms went round Bunny automatically, and she pressed him to her tightly. Tears came to Diana’s eyes but she squeezed them shut, pressing her forehead into Bunny’s woolen scarf until she’d willed them away. Bunny stroked her back in soothing half-circles.  


A minute or two after they embraced, they released each other. Bunny looked at Diana with concern. He took her hands in his, chafing them through her gloves.  


"It's all right. I'm all right,” Diana said, and just saying it aloud, even if it wasn’t true, steadied her. “But why -- Whatever made him- ?"  


"I saw Lord Bellamy, briefly, this morning at Eaton Place. It was ... well, it was pretty awful. Poor Lord Bellamy was absolutely -" Bunny shook his head, releasing Diana's hands. She took his arm and they turned and walked slowly back toward the house, the gravel crunching under their feet. "Poor Georgina too. Lady Bellamy was a bit stronger. She said that James lost all his money, he was absolutely wiped out by the stock market crash in America. Apparently that was what drove him to ... it."  


"It’s so awful," Diana began, but then she couldn’t find words to continue. They had reached the wide, semi-circular steps of the great house and they stopped there for a moment. Bunny put his hand over hers, the hand holding his arm. "I don't know quite how to .. what to .."  


"Diana, it's all right." Bunny patted her hand. "I hardly know what to say or do myself."  


In silence, they left the graveled driveway and climbed the steps leading up to Summerby’s large front door. And when they reached the top of the steps, a footman opened the big door, and Johnny was there, smiling and holding Mrs. Kenton’s hand. One of the hounds gave a bark and Johnny petted its sleek head. "Welcome home, Lord Newberry!” said Mrs. Kenton. “Master Johnny says he has Nanny's permission to take his tea with your Lordship and your Ladyship, is that right?"  


Diana looked up at Bunny. She still felt incapable of speech. He smiled at her and squeezed her hand, still holding his arm.  


"Quite right, Mrs. Kenton," Bunny said, looking at Diana. "We want Johnny with us."

Later that evening ~ October 31, 1929

Diana sat at her dressing table, brushing her hair. In the past two months she’d begun to let it grow out. While she thought she would never let her hair become the long mass she’d had before the war, it was inevitable that hairstyles wouldn’t remain as shingled as they were now. Diana still preferred to be ahead of trends, if she couldn't set them.  


She set her hairbrush down, sighed, and looked at her face in the triple mirror.  


During tea she had been distracted by Johnny’s chatter, and that had been good. Then the Rev. Simms and his wife had been entertained at an early dinner, a standing bi-weekly invitation, to discuss the affairs of Summerby’s parish. Then up the nursery, to read to Johnny and kiss him goodnight. There had been no time to think about James and what James had done at all.  


Now, alone in her boudoir, comfortably dressed in a silken nightdress and robe, she could finally think.  


She turned her face from side to side and examined her skin. At almost 42 years old – her birthday was a month away - her throat was firm, and there were only faint lines in the corners of her eyes.  


If, in May of 1923, James had wanted to at least try a life with her ... would Johnny have made the difference? Would their son have given him a purpose, made him happy?  


Somehow, Diana had never let herself consider telling James about her pregnancy. From the moment she had realized it, she had only (selfishly, perhaps) wanted to revel in it. In the beginning of her marriage she hadn’t wanted children, at least not right away, and had taken constant precautions. During the war, when Bunny had been home on leave, she’d decided, somewhat cold-bloodedly that she’d better give him an heir, if only to protect her own position. When she didn’t fall pregnant right away she’d been surprised. After the war ended, she’d consulted a London gynecologist who could find nothing wrong, but she still didn’t get pregnant. Finally she’d just given up any hope of children, resentfully consigning that hope along with the hope of a happy marriage.  


But then ... when she had slept with James, she’d fallen pregnant. She didn’t realize until she was pregnant, that pregnancy and motherhood had been something she truly wanted. The reality of Johnny had changed her life irrevocably.

Would James have been a good father? As good as Bunny was? Bunny had always been devoted to Diana, and his devotion extended to Johnny.

Useless to think about it, Diana told herself. She could never know, why consider might-have-beens? James was dead ... James was dead. At that thought, she shut her eyes for a moment. But she didn’t want to cry. It was ... such a waste.

There was a tap on the door. “Diana?” Bunny’s voice. “May I come in?”  


“Of course, Bunny,” Diana responded briskly. She opened a jar of cold cream and began to stroke it over her hands.  


“Just wanted to tell you goodnight,” said Bunny, coming into the boudoir and smiling at Diana’s reflection in the triple mirror.  


“Stay and talk for a minute?” Diana asked, rubbing her hands together, disbursing the last of the cream.  


“Oh, all right,” said Bunny agreeably. He sat down on the chair placed nearest to Diana’s dressing table. “Johnny go down all right? I’ll pop my head in the nursery in a minute.”  


“Yes, he’s fine. He wants to ride with both of us tomorrow, he wanted me to remind you. Bunny ...” she began, but hesitated.  


Diana’s hand was resting on her dressing table and Bunny covered it with his. “What, dear?” he said.  


“I think I want to apologize,” she said slowly, not meeting Bunny’s eyes.  


“Apologize? Whatever for?”  


Diana sighed and bit her lower lip. “For marrying you ... and for not loving you when I did.”  


Bunny’s expression went cold. He released her hand and stood up.  


“But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you now. I do,” said Diana quickly. She caught his hand again with both of hers.  


“I don’t think we ought to have this conversation, Diana.”  


“But I want to have it. I need to have it. Bunny –”  


He tried to twist his hand free from her clasp, but she clung to it, so he gave up. “Why bring it up? I forgave you about James, we began again. We have Johnny. It’s been all right. There’s nothing for you to apologize for--”  


“Listen, please, just listen,” Diana said, standing and still holding onto Bunny’s hand. “Won’t you sit down again? Please, Bunny?”  


He sat, reluctantly. Diana turned her chair toward his and sat facing him.  


Now that she had the floor, she couldn’t think of what she wanted to say. But she knew, whatever it was, she had to say it carefully. She drew a breath to speak.  


“Did you mean that,” said Bunny abruptly, “about loving me, I mean?”  


“Yes,” Diana replied, quietly.  


“You’ve never said it before. You love me, I suppose, because I’ve been good to you. Been a good husband - faithful ... undemanding ...” he said stonily. “Dependable, gullible, ‘good old Bunny’.” His lips curled around the words.  


She reached over and touched his hand again, tentatively.  


“You are so much more than that, Bunny.” Diana sighed and stood up, pacing around the small room restlessly. “Bunny, for years I loved James -- I thought I loved James-” she amended quickly, seeing him wince, “- but I know now that what I loved was the James I knew as a young girl. But that James was gone even before the war. He could have asked me to marry him in 1912, and he didn’t. I should have realized then that he didn’t really want me, but– I don’t know what, pride? - wouldn’t let me admit it! I kept hanging on, holding on to that childish fantasy! And because I couldn’t let a fantasy go, I couldn’t love you. And I made our marriage miserable!" She stopped pacing, a little distance from Bunny. “And that’s what I’m sorry for, that’s why I want to apologize to you .. Because I was bloody to you! I was a vile, miserable bitch, all those stupid wasted years!” She looked at Bunny, her voice breaking. “Our wretched marriage was my fault! And you didn’t deserve any of it!” she said, covering her face with her hands.  


Bunny got up from his chair and crossed the few steps it took to reach to Diana. Gently, he moved her hands away from her tearful face, then clasped her face in his hands. “You didn’t deserve it, and I’m so sorry,” she repeated, her hands clutching at the silk lapels of his night robe.  


Bunny bent and kissed her lips softly, twice, three times. He drew back a little, looking at her, his eyes warm again.  


“Diana .. I knew you loved James when you agreed to marry me. I didn’t want to think about it, didn’t really want to admit it to myself, but I knew it. If you think you did wrong, then I did wrong too,” and he bent and kissed her lips again. “But I wanted you on any terms.”  


Diana put her arms around Bunny’s waist. He lowered his hands to her shoulders, squeezing them gently, then stroked her back as he had that afternoon.  


Diana pressed her cheek to Bunny’s chest. A few moments passed, where they were both grateful for the respite.  


“So,” Diana finally said. “You said on any terms ... If I change the terms, and love you ... and if you still love me ... will you forgive me, for all those years I was so vile to you?”  


Bunny loosened their embrace and bent to kiss her lips again.  


“And will you forgive me f-f-for –” she stuttered, when Bunny raised his head.  


“Sshhhh. Please, Diana.” A finger touched her wet cheek, and his other hand touched her hair. “There’s nothing to forgive. I do love you.” He sighed. “Diana,” he said softly, “I know that James is - that he was, Johnny’s father, but I don’t care about that. I love Johnny, I’ve always loved him. He is our son.” He smiled down at her.  


And Diana kissed him.


End file.
